Thursday, August 25, 2005

Sith Awareness Week: Darth Hidious

This guy actually has a very interesting story that brought him about.

Today's Sith Lord:

Darth Hidious;

Also known as Mace Windu's evil twin. Or clone. Whichever you prefer.


Quite some years ago, back when Master Windu had hair, he was pressured with the oh-so-many burdens of being upon the council(not to mention sitting there, looking constipated all the time. That's got to be difficult.). He had those "being in touch with the feminine side" classes that he instructed, as well as the duty sitting in his council chair, looking important. Sometimes, his duty required him to do both. Unfortunately, he couldn't just tear himself in half like the gingerbread man and be in two places at once.

Secretly, Master Windu left the Jedi temple for an "extended vacation" to head to Kamino, where he payed a handsome price of pocket lint for a clone to be created of himself. Of course, he had to have his hair shaved off, in order for the cloning process to work. He doubted this, however, for the Kamino inhabitant put the hair in his pocket, rather than in the machine.

It didn't take long for Master Windu's new twin to arise. However, the man wasn't quite what Mace was hoping for. He was exactly the opposite of what he wanted--he was rude, and he somehow managed to get ahold of a red lightsaber.

We all know what this means. Everyone knows how Master Yoda feels about the color red...he hated it. So Windu took his clone out to the farthest planet in the outer rim he could find, dumped him off, and left.

It wasn't long before rumors began speculating about a hidious-looking man, successfully taking over the planet of Hoth...not that there was much there to begin with, but taking over a planet can prove to be quite difficult.

When the council began to suspect something, Mace journeyed out to Hoth to confront himself. There, the two clashed lightsabers until Master Windu managed to sever his clone's head from its body...or perhaps the opposite could have happened. You never know.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Sith Awareness Week: Darth Mrow

What started as an admiration for a higher Sith Lord morphed into a disasterous turn events that led this innocent creature to the Dark Side.

Darth Mrow.

Formerly a Jedi, this little fellow was the underdog, or dare I say, undercat, of his peers. Frequently looked down upon because he wasn't as talented of a Jedi feline as Master Puss, he began to make his name known in the temple in the only way he possibly could--puns, pranks, and the like.

It was around this time that Darth Maul, and his Master, Darth Sidious appeared. Mrow had an admiration for the two Sith, especially Darth Maul. He envied the creative pattern of the Sith's face, so he tatooed a similar pattern onto his own face. Of course, none of the other Jedi thought very highly of his new look. Enraged, Mrow took to making nightly raids of the temple, in which he would carefully paint interesting patterns upon the sleeping Jedi's faces. Perhaps, he had thought, this will help them appreciate the beauty of this art.

Master Yoda certainly didn't appreciate it.

Mrow was devistated, angry, and most of all, lonely. Most at the temple avoided him. Feeling out of place, Mrow left the Jedi Temple without warning one day, in hopes to find his hero; Darth Maul. He had no luck, for by the time Mrow had tracked him down, Maul was already dead.

It was at this point that Mrow accepted an invitation from Darth Sidious to form an apprenticeship. It didn't last long, however, for almost as soon as Darth Mrow had been turned, he was picked up by Plabba the hutt and named "Fuzzy" whilst on an errand for his Master. Nobody had ever heard from Mrow ever since.

Perhaps he didn't pose much of a threat. Perhaps he did. Perhaps Plabba had some sort of plan to train the feline to take down thousands of Jedi. Or Perhaps he was just lonely and wanted a pet.

Only time will tell. Keep an eye out for Darth Mrow.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Sith Awareness Week: Darth Gollum

Today's study:

Darth Gollum.

Quite the frisky little guy. Not only is he bald, old, and ugly, but he is rumored to have a most dangerous apprentice. Indeed, his is a name to be feared.

His apprentice and soft-sided alter ego is the more childish, carefree version of Darth Gollum; Darth Smeagol. However, the dark side comes in many forms. Smeagol held the brains and the prankster side of the duo, whilst Darth Gollum kept to looking ugly and telling his apprentice how worthless he was. The two were like brothers...brothers who shared a body. No wonder they had issues...

Well, back in the day when these two ran free, reaking havock on everything they came into grasp of, everyone was warned to keep their barbie dolls, action figures, One Rings To Rule Them All(TM), and loin cloths locked safely and tightly behind some sort of barricade. All these items, if not hidden carefully, would mysteriously disappear throughout the course of the night. Following clue to clue, people came to the conclusion that the villian behind the theft was none other than the "village idiot", Gollum. This was shortly before he and his apprentice were seduced to the dark side.

Smeagol, the softie of the two, was tired of getting thrown around and spat upon, so when he saw an advertisement to come to the Dark Side, he couldn't resist. If the Dark Side could make him look like that, then he was in. This was when Gollum, the steroid-junky of the duo, was born.

Unfortunately for that silly Sith Lord, no such thing occured. He never learned how to tap dance, much less look good in a cape. His alter ego, Gollum took over, claiming to be the Sith Lord to rule all Sith Lords, and he forced Smeagol to become his apprentice on pain of dark side super force wedgies--a painful punishment.

Though they at first seemed like an unstoppable team, their partnership began to break when Gollum tried to steal Smeagol's prize Barbie doll. Things just weren't the same after that.

Eventually, both were slain by the hand of a brave Jedi, who pushed the Sith duo into the firey depths of Mustofar.

Not a single Barbie doll, action figure, One Ring to Rule Them All!(TM), or loin cloth went missing after that.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Sith Awareness Week: Darth Wayne

Though few of you might know it, today is Monday, August 22, 2005, the first official day of Sith Lord Awareness week. I, having studied up on Sith in the archives, have the obligation of informing and making the public aware as to what sort of threats are floating around in our universe. Therefore, each day of this week, I will be informing you of the many Sith Lords that try and fail at taking over the Galaxy.

Today, I'll brief you on:

Darth Wayne.

Some know him as Bruce Wayne. Some know him as Batman. Others call him just plain Brucey. Don't be fooled by his heroic appearance or cunning name, however. He's a deadly one.

I came across his name while I was flipping through the Jedi archives. Interesting stuff, I had thought, so I decided to study up on him.

Though he was hailed as a hero to some system called "Gotham", few knew of his true nature. This guy was a cruel and viscious Sith Lord. The Dark Side clung to him like a booger on the wall--it wasn't going anywhere. He often would sit in his chambers with his apprentice, Darth Robin, plotting ways to rule the galaxy. Again, they're going for the hero-in-spandex look. Another one of the Dark Side's evil tricks.

I remember when I was but a youngling, and the older padawans would tell stories as fat as a bantha's rump to try and scare the younger ones into believing that Darth Wayne and his apprentice would come and mercilessly slaughter us. That, of course, would be why so many young padawans had a bed-wetting problem at the time.

None of us really believed the stories. How could a man dressed like a foreign mammal possibly be able to wield a lightsaber? Much less, move around so freely in such a restricting costume known to give unbearable wedgies to the wearer without notice? It was just fun for a good scare.

One night, however, our fears were tested. Mine were, at least. I was tucked safely into my bed with My Little Pony(TM) and my stuffed coffee bean, ready for a full night's rest. It was then that I heard something at my window. Being the stupid, curious, cute little Twi'lek that I was, I got up, leaving behind my stuffed treasures, to see what the origins of the sound were. I had a small suspicion it was the neighboring Jedi, who enjoyed rubbing his bare bum against my window on the occasion just to get on my nerves. I was ready to brand that bum.

Fortunately, and unfortunately, it wasn't him. There was a much larger duff facing my window, but it was covered in a black material of some sort. A very thin black material, at that. You could see every fat line through that thing.

I was frightened to see this larger-than-me backside, so I ducked down next to the window to see what was going on. All I can remember was spotting the malicious face of him....then I ran away as fast as my little feet could carry me.

I never found out what he was doing there, and I probably never will. I just know I wouldn't look forward to ever seeing Darth Wayne ever again...

Saturday, August 20, 2005

A Visit From the Master of Magic

Not too long ago, Master Yoda had hired a magician to entertain to younglings, seeing as they had been behaving well recently and hadn't been following Obi-Wan's examples. Naturally, I had to see what sort of show this magician would put on, so I slipped into the room to watch.

When I saw a costumed man squatting nearby while sifting through a colorful bag, I was undoubtingly surprised.


He looked a little bit disoriented, and he set aside whatever it was he was digging through. He seemed to regain his composure, so he stood up and addressed me, "I don't know who you're talking about, miss. I am Flukizmo! Master of Magic!"

He didn't look like a Master of Magic to me. More like spandex gone wrong. "Sure you came to see the show, too?"

"Nah! I came to perform."

"..I thought it was going to be a magic show...not a sad comedy routine."

He folded his arms across his chest and pouted. "Now wait just a darned tootin' minute! You haven't even seen my show!"

"I doubt I'll need to see it to know whether or not you're a good magician.."

He held up a hand to silence me. "Just watch!" He then spun around to march up to the front of the room, but paused in mid-turn to glance back in my direction. "...Please?"

He didn't have to ask; I wouldn't have missed this for a box full of Uncle Quigs's brownies. "I'm watching," I replied.

A grin stretched across his cheeks, and he stumbled up to the front of the room, where a few items of magic were placed, to face his audience--which at that point in time was a large group of younglings, Yoda, and myself. The crowd would soon multiply.

"Ladies and gentlemen," Fluke greeted as he made eye contact with a few younglings, "prepare to be dazzled, amazed, and stepped upon, as Flukizmo! Master of Magic prepares to dazzle, amaze, and step on you!"

A murmur of "Oohs" and "Aahs" buzzed throughout the crowd. This could be interesting.

"For my first trick," he began, "I will be locked inside that box," he pointed to the rather large crate that sat next to him, "by my guest assistant, Jo Jo."

Suddenly, a strange-looking creature jumped out from behind the crate and waved to the audience. "Howdee!"

"Please note how the box has no way of escape," Fluke said as he approached the crate to bang on each of the sides. He then picked the crate up, and the bottom fell off. " can ignore that," he continued, placing the crate carefully back down upon the bottom that had fallen off. ", and be amazed as Flukizmo! Master of Magic escapes from the Box of No Possible Way to Escape!" He opened the lid of the box and stepped inside to sit down. We all watched carefully as Jo Jo, The Monkey Boy closed the lid atop the box and locked a series of several latches.

Some shuffling could be heard inside the box, as well as an "ouch!" or two. Before long, Fluke let out a frustrated yell, and stood, which lifted the box up off of its bottom again. He threw the top half of the box at the wall and opened his mouth to say something vulgar, but then realized he still had an audience. He smiled, and held his arms out professionally. "Ta-dah!!!"

Jo Jo broke the silence of the room by clapping, "Nice goin', boss! That was great!"

"You suck!" a youngling shouted.

"Thank you, thank you," Fluke replied with a bow. "My next trick will require the assistance of an audience member...Master Yoda! Would you be so kind as to come to the front?"

Yoda grunted, and he rose from his comfortable position in the back to hobble up to the front. "Use your monkey for this trick, why don't you?"

"He's allergic."

"Allergic to what?"

"The trick, of course," Fluke said with a grin. He pointed to an X that had previously been taped onto the carpet. "Stand there, if you will."

The small green Jedi stood upon the piece of tape. "Dropping an anvil on me, you'd better not be."

Fluke chuckled. "Rest assured, Master Yoda, I'm not doing anything like that. I'm going to make you taller."

"Need to be taller, I do not...but for the sake of the younglings, I accept."

Fluke spun around a few times, waved his arms, and did a lot of "magic" stuff that I can't explain. He finished his little chant by shouting, "Flukizmo!" and throwing his hands in Master Yoda's direction.

A burst of giggles erupted from the audience.

"You doofus! Swollen, I look!"

Fluke scratched his head. "Hm...That shouldn't have happened." He snapped his fingers, and suddenly, Master Yoda changed again. "Do you feel any taller now?"

"Look any taller, do I?"

"Nope." Fluke snapped his fingers again. "How about now?"


"I'll take that as a no." Snap. "How about now?"

"Not funny, this is!"

Snap. "Now?"

"STOP! Do, this will! Come closer, would you? Not very good, my aim is."

So as you can see, it was a very eventful show. Poor Fluke...he didn't manage to be as successful as he had hoped with magic. He did, however, put on a very entertaining comedy. I hope he'll come back to do it again, even if it does risk putting blaster holes in his robes.